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The Silent Relationship Killer: How Phubbing is Costing Us More Than We Think

In today’s hyper-connected world, our smartphones often become a silent participant in every aspect of our lives. But at what cost? Phubbing—snubbing someone in favor of your phone—might seem like a harmless, often necessary act, but its impact on romantic relationships is far more corrosive than we might realize.


The Psychology of Phubbing: Recent studies, including research conducted by Drs. Jacqueline Nesi and Yael Schonbrun, have highlighted how phubbing can lead to significant disruptions in our relationships. It’s not just about the immediate annoyance or interrupted conversation; phubbing sets a cycle of neglect and conflict that can erode trust and intimacy over time.


Short-Term Relief, Long-Term Pain: Phubbing often starts innocuously—checking a message during a lull in conversation. However, these moments, meant as short-term distractions, can quickly lead to long-term relationship strains. As Dr. Schonbrun explains, "Phubbing is like a gateway habit that leads to more frequent disconnections between partners."





The Negative Impact of Phubbing:

  • Decreased relationship satisfaction

  • Increased feelings of neglect or rejection

  • A cycle of retaliatory phubbing that further distances partners


Five Steps to Reconnect:

  1. Notice and Acknowledge: Begin by recognizing how often you reach for your phone. Awareness is the first step towards change.

  2. Set Clear Boundaries: Discuss and set specific times and places where phones are not welcome, like during meals or on date nights.

  3. Communicate Openly: If you must use your phone, explain why to your partner. This may feel strange at first because we're exercising a new habit and neural pathway! Transparency builds trust.

  4. Create Phone-Free Zones: Designate areas in your home where phones are not allowed, encouraging more face-to-face interactions.

  5. Engage Together: Use technology to enhance your relationship when apart, but make sure to engage in shared activities without screens when together.


Choosing to actively engage with our partners instead of our phones can feel challenging at first, especially when the buzz and ping of notifications constantly vie for our attention. However, the benefits of re-establishing genuine connections with our partners are immeasurable. Not only can this lead to a more fulfilling relationship, but it also sets a foundation of respect and presence that can extend to other areas of our lives.

Remember, the next time you reach for your phone, ask yourself: Is this swipe worth swiping away the person in front of me?

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